Stars- they're nothing like us

You always read in magazines how celebrities are just like us- they go shopping, they pump gas, they drink coffee, they have hands. Well, I am sick and tired of it, because it couldn't be farther from the truth. Famous people are not like us at all, and to combat those other lists, I've compiled my own list of examples to prove it.

• Famous people don't need to use the bathroom. It's unclear when this kicks in, but I've got it on good word that Jennifer Aniston hasn't visited a restroom since the second season of Friends.

• Famous people travel primarily through underground lairs in the earth's core. I guess it works sort of like those underground hallways they use at Disneyland so that two Mickeys will never run into each other. So does that mean there are two Lindsay Lohans?

• Famous people don't sweat, (or they may sweat gem stones- this is still being disputed). Meryl Streep stopped sweating partially when she won her Oscar for Kramer Vs. Kramer in 1980. Her sweat glands stopped production totally in 1983 when she won her second Oscar for Sophie's Choice. Tim Allen stopped sweating while recording the voice of Buzz Lightyear in Toy Story, though he resumed sweating halfway through production of The Santa Clause 3.

• Famous people live their lives in five dimensions. What's in these other dimensions? None of our kind knows, but it might have something to do with how Jude Law was in six movies in 2004.

• Some celebrities are also shape-shifters. Some of them may even have various personas. Have you ever seen Denzel Washington and Helen Hunt in the same movie? Perhaps that's because they're just two of the many personas of John Stamos.

And that's just to whet your appetite. There will be even more convincing and shocking examples tomorrow...